It is 11:40 Eastern Standard Time here in Athens, OH, and this year’s Academy Awards have come to a close. So what is the outcome of the 2005 Oscars? Let’s break it down.

Biggest Shocker

Let me take this moment to give the finger (as a friendly gesture of course), to those that had the nuts to say Crash is one of the worst films this year. I realize the Academy isn’t the most reliable source for appointing the most original films of the year, but this time around, they done good. While everyone was expecting Brokeback Mountain (or Gay Cowboys Eating Pudding to South Park fans) to take home the gold not only in the Best Picture category, but in others, Crash came through in the end with the grand prize. I big hearty congratulations to Paul Haggis for getting this thing made. Now let’s hope that Hollywood doesn’t come out with too many desperately bad hyperlink dramas with ensemble casts.

Most Cliched Acceptance Speech

Is it just me, or does Reese Witherspoon take home honors for being the most superficial this evening. She reminded me of a sketch comedy actor spoofing a drama queen giving an acceptance speech. I can’t really say I am surprised. After all, the star of Legally Blonde 2: Red White and Blonde and Sweet Home Alabama won a flippin Oscar. If Crash didn’t come through in the end, I may be building a bomb shelter for fear of the apocalypse. Anyway, I’ve always had little faith in Reese Witherspoon. Her performance in Walk the Line is acceptable, but I still expect little from the chick flick hot item.

Most Modest, Heartfelt Speech

Robert Altman accepted the Lifetime Achievement Award after a slightly annoying, yet undeniably cute, introduction by Meryl Streep and Lily Tomlin. There was speculation that Altman, a director against the superficial Hollywood scene, would have some bold things to say to the Academy. Yes, I hoped to see Bob Altman give the bird to every glossy, money-grubbing prick in the industry. However, the man delivered a very kind speech and expressed appreciation for his honor, and he did it with honest gratitude. Combining this respectable speech and the fact that I love his films, I really wish I could have a beer with Robert Altman right now.

Comedy Relief of the Evening

So Robin Williams and Jim Carrey were getting annoying every year with their clownish screaming and exaggerations. Luckily, the ceremony planners have the brains to bring in the new wave of funny. Will Ferrell and Steve Carrell gave unforgettable presentations for Best Makeup with Ferrell donning layers of brown toner and Carrell caked in pale makeup. If this isn’t the end of it, Ben Stiller presented Best Visual Effects wearing a green tight outfit under the assumption that his body would be washed out from greenscreen technology. Then, of course, there is the host of the evening Jon Stewart. Not bad Stew! A lot of his hosting duties were accompanied by Daily Show humor and the voiceover of Steven Colbert. Still, it was a breath of relief to have Coemdy Central crossed with network TV.

The “What The Hell Is He Doing There” Award

Gary Busey!! What is that cokehead doing there?

What Next?

I am sure 2006 will show a slate of promising projects. My money is on Snakes on a Plane. What do you think?