Let me get this out into the open: I am a fan of M. Night Shyamalan. His films have entranced me so much that I even felt partial towards The Village. Yes it’s true. Despite a twist ending that people tore apart, I actually found the atmosphere and writing to be quite impressive. With this being said, I think I am the only person in the world that appreciated The Village. This led me to question many things such as, “Am I eternally biased towards M. Night’s films?” I’ve pondered this for the past couple of years, and now that question is resolved with the director’s recent bedtime story Lady in the Water. I am pleased to announce that there exists no bias towards the director. It is now clear that M. Night Shyamalan can make one train wreck of a film.

Unlike his prior films, this is more family-oriented and does not contain a revelatory twist ending. Cleveland Heep (Paul Giamatti) is a stuttering apartment building superintendent that is surprised to find a mysterious woman swimming the pool at night. This woman is a magical narf named Story (Bryce Dallas Howard) brought to these apartments to awaken inspiration in a writer meant to change the world. Playing this world-changing writer is M. Night Shyamalan (gag me). However, the narf’s beneficial actions are countered by wolf-like beasts called “scrunts”.

I wanted so badly to enjoy Lady in the Water, but not since Dreamcatcher have I seen a film plunge non-stop into a pit of absurdity. As the film progresses, the audience is introduced to the quirky inhabitants of the apartment building including Jeffrey Wright as crossword prodigy, Jared Harris as a stoner, and Bob Balaban as an uppity film and book critic. These over-the-top characters are quickly introduced to the narf, and have no problem playing into the real-life fantasy. I know film is all about escapism, but I could only wonder to myself why all of these characters passively submitted to such dorky nonsense. Listening to theses people discuss the elaborate prophesying of the narf is like listening to 12-year-olds discuss Dungeons and Dragons at Pizza Hut. For this reason, I found myself not caring even when the conversations lost me.

In the end I could only shake my head in disbelief at Shyamalan’s little mess. He truly has lost it. With his anti-Disney account being published at the same time as this film’s release, and the poor box office numbers, I fear this film will hurt him badly. Lady in the Water is apparently a bedtime story the director used to tell his children, and they truly is sweet. Unfortunately the only people that give a crap about this yarn live in the Shyamalan household.

Grade: D

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